Thursday, June 16, 2011

just a number

Yesterday was the end of my diet bet with Dori. Although I have lost a significant amount of weight (14lbs since Nov), I think it put me in a bad head space. I spent so much time worrying about food. When I had my cheat days I felt guilty so I never really enjoyed the food that I was eating. I would also think bad thoughts about friends while they ate delicious food. I am going to not diet for a while so that I can get in to a better place mentally.

I will say this... I am now in my size 2 pants again. I decided to try them on today because the plants I put on originally are so big on me that I do not need to unbutton them to take them off.

This is, even after looking at Tamara Cohen's weight is just a number posts on Facebook, hard for me to swallow. I know that I have way more muscle than I had before I started CrossFit. I know that muscle weighs more than fat. Knowing all of that does not make me feel like, at 124, I should fit into the same pants I wore when I was 111.

It is also hard to see yourself as smaller than you use to be. I do not think I look that different than I did Thanksgiving of last year. I still see myself as fat. I know that is stupid but I am not alone in this.

I have a friend that is incredibly strong and fit. She is beautiful and unbelievably badass. The other day when a former bootcamper of mine told her that she wished she was as strong. My friend's response was: "with thighs like this you would hope I could pick up heavy things". Seriously, she is gorgeous. Her body is amazing but she does not see it.

I gave her a disappointing look and she said "I know, I need to learn how to take a complement". I can act dismayed all I want but I am no different in my ability to take a complement. The strange guy from next door kept telling me how much better I looked the other day and all I could think was: how bad did I use to look?

How do you get happy in your own skin?

1 comment:

  1. Bea - I know exactly how you feel. I've lost 10 lbs since January, and while excited to fit in my old clothes, I still look at myself and think about how I wish I looked. I've been getting compliments and people say "you've lost a lot of weight." Of course I like compliments, but damn, did I look that bad? I don't feel like I look that different.